1. Trying to control behaviour instead of understanding emotion.
Most parents react to the symptom (tantrum, defiance, withdrawal) rather than the signal (fear, shame, unmet need).
Why?

That’s how they were raised emotions weren’t safe or validated, so control became the way to feel safe again.

Example.
Your child screams → You punish → They stop (short term) → But learn emotions = danger.
Your nervous system says, “I can’t handle this chaos,” so you silence theirs.

 

2. Expecting emotional maturity from a dysregulated child.
Parents often say, “You know better!” when the truth is: a child’s brain can’t reason when in fight/flight.
Why?

Parents don’t realize emotional regulation develops through co-regulation  their calm presence teaches the child’s nervous system what safety feels like.

Example.
You yell “Calm down!” but your tone signals threat, so the child escalates.

 

3. Thinking calm means “never getting angry.”
Suppressing anger isn’t calm, it’s dissociation.
Why?

 Many parents were taught anger = bad, so they swing between suppressing emotions and explosive outbursts.

Example:
You hold it in for weeks → one small thing snaps → guilt, shame → repeat.

 

4. Over-apologizing or over-compensating after guilt.
After yelling, some parents over give or people-please their kids to “make up” for it.
Why?

Guilt activates their own inner child’s fear of being unloved after mistakes.

Example:
“You can have ice cream, I’m sorry I shouted” teaches kids that emotions equal rewards, not repair.